Who Am I?

I know that this isn't what I usely post, but this past week has been a troubling time, so please bear with me.

I recently saw a post on a site called iwastesomuchtime.com. I don't have the link to it, but every so often, some one will post something educational and entertaining. I saw one that was explaining the effects of alcohol and caffiene on the body. I knew some of it, but one thing that struck me was the idea that alcohol makes one more creative. I didn't think of this much until I had writers block the other day.

I sat down to write and nothing came. I was shocked. I had a million creative ideas the past few nights and I wanted to get them collected together into a story or song or something. I had no clue what I was doing. I am so used to being able to communicate any emotion I thought of or express any idea I had. This was weird. That night, though I had more brilliant ideas, again all jumbled up in no particular order. It's always the same lately.

Everynight I know that it's going to be a bad night, I pick up my notebook. By bad night, I mean emotional one. It can be me thinking about my ex-girlfriend who left me in January (I know get over her already). Then I can end up on rant at the wall at 2 AM about how my parents don't respect my choice not to go to college or that they don't understand why I like the music I do. And always, these things haven't happened. I haven't told my parents about my choice of technical school and since about eight months ago, my parents have almost stopped bugging me about my music. But somehow, in my mind, I see these arguements I could have. I imagine conversations I might hold or people I might see; jobs I might have; people who might come back into my life, but none of this ever happens outside my own head.

Am I lacking gumption? Do I need to get up and slay a dragon; confront my demons? Why am I so much more emotional at night? I haven't felt this way in months. I have a history of ups and downs, but I thought the downs where gone. They're not.

I did a little research. I noticed whenever it got late, I got both more moody and more creative. I started out looking for information on the creativity spurt. I found out that as our brains get towards sleep in our circadian cycle, our frontal cortex begins turning off or at least deactivating certain regions. Since every idea and sensory input goes through the frontal cortex, it acts as a sort of filter, allowing certain, pertinent inormation through and sorting out extra details. This is why most people can become focused on a task or, inversely why some people have trouble focusing. Some people also possess amazing concentration due to this function, being able to block out almost all input to focus on internal problem solving.

This all made sense since the article mentioned alcohol as a way to recreate these symptoms and I'd heard it said (though I thought it was a wive's tale) that you can get the same affect of two drinks from not sleeping for twenty-four hours. Here is where things get hairy. I'm not normally extremely emotional. I'm rather stoic, self-confident, and calm, but as soon as I can't sleep, I'm a changed person; I no longer don't think about my ex; I'm not confident; I don't think much of my abilities and talents; I'm nothing.

This is not the first time I've felt like this; before and after Freshman year of high school, I was severely depressed by myself. I didn't hear voices, but it seemed like I verbally abused myself. I felt like s*** and the worst part was the only one making me feel that way was me. I got out of that rut just in time or else I might not be typing this today (another story, another time). Now, seeing these signs for the fourth time (had a bad relapse this past school year), I know that I have to take my life back. But now I have a few questions.

My first is, who am I? Am I that self-confident SOB senior who walks the halls telling freshmen to get out of the way, or am I that scared-as-s*** teen who can't stop thinking about after school? Am I that heart-breaking, cocky flirt, or am I the guy crying into his pillow at night missing his girlfriend. I am that A-student with great student-teacher relationships, or am I that kid who's worried that he won't make it in the real world? Who am I?

Next question: Is there a way to have the advantages of both personalities (if I could call them that)? Maybe...

If I were to maintain my "normal" boring self, I could simply go about my day and make sure to be in bed by ten since most episodes of self-loathing, angst, regret, etcetera happen after then (Midnight and later, it's almost guaranteed) and just deal with my unexciting self. I don't like that option. I don't remeber being like a year ago or even two...maybe... Have I changed over the summer? If so why? Trauma from my frustrating relationship (not going to say, but it wasn't pretty)? Horomones? Growing up? Have I buried these thoughts subconsciously with my "brain filter" to protect myself only to have them come out again when my filter is turning down? Is my circadian rhythm the answer to my problems.

All other thoughts aside, if it's my circadian rhythm, then what am I going to do? I've read (again on the internet, ikr) that teen circadian rhythms are actuall offset by an hour to four hours! No wonder I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.

Most of what I've heard is just wait. This advice seems like being told to calm down when the house is burning down around you. Sometimes it's not an option. It all still doesn't answer the question I still have; who am I? It seems I'm not alone. I guess this is what people call an identity crisis. I like different things about different parts of me, but I don't know if I can deal with these two opposite side of me. Am I a coin with two sides, lots of width, and almost no depth? I still can't answer these questions. Maybe I never will.

Thank you for spending some time in my head and reading this. I hope this all changes in a few years or I learn to deal with it. Below are some links to interesting sights you might want to read. Some are sources, some are just interesting.

Save these links:
http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/07/29/how-the-brain-filters-out-noise-to-stay-focused-on-task/57732.html
http://www.creativesomething.net/post/54997033332/why-youre-more-creative-at-night-and-how-to-reproduce
http://kidshealth.org/teen/cancer_center/q_a/bad_mood.html#
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLz7O9Lf6k

Music to My Ears Part 1

I don't know about you, but to me, there's really nothing to compare to good string music. Be it a cello, a violin, or a guitar stringed instruments hold their own appeal. In fact, it has been found that cellos have a tonal quality and range similar to a human voice making them all the more appealing. I own a guitar and even though I'm not very good, I still enjoy listening to the sounds it makes. I'm blessed to be able to say that my parents bought me a guitar and books on my last birthday. Since then, I haven't progressed much, but lately, I've felt inspired to try a bit harder.

If  you've ever looked at a guitar, you might notice how incredibly beautiful works of art they are. Even cheaper guitars have a certain beauty. Mine's very nice with mahogany and rosewood. Some guitars are better and some lesser. Mine's really only a beginner's model, but it's beautiful. A few steps below it is this little guy. It's a half-size (or child size) guitar made by the Santa Rosa Folk Guitar Company, Model K55. The best word to describe this guitar is cheap. It's not very nice; the sound boards isn't even spruce; the finger board is painted black, not natural; the bridge broke off; the strings all snapped. My Dad got this for my oldest sister a long while back. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world back then. Now I see it with different eyes. I can tell it's not somethings special (or even good), but I see potential. Through the family process of hand-me-down lineage (a more complicated system than the British Monarchy) the guitar passed to my little sister. She hasn't touched it. For obvious reasons.

Its cracked neck and absent bridge and strings were daunting, but I drove into it head on.

First I looked at my own guitar bridge to get a general feel for the construction and did research on important factors.

So I started drawing and imagining a simpler version of this. I don't know how much sense the drawings and writings make, but that's the first block of maple.

I had to restart after I messed up the first one (one the right). I didn't mark my drill holes accurately enough so when I went to trial fit it, it wouldn't screw on.

Here's the second piece drilled and with the lines for the saddle drawn out.

Next, I countersunk those holes with a slightly larger drill bit.

I scribed the lines for the saddle groove with a sharp knife.

Then carved it part way through with a chisel.

Then using a hand crank drill, I drill eight or so holes in the slot.

Then, using a coping saw, I cut out the shape of the groove.

Cut out the edges with an xacto knife and finish it out with a file.

Finish contouring by filing the piece to shape.

Here it is fitted. The lines you see on the inside of the edges of the slot are the angle of the fret board continued with a straight edge.

Next, I made the saddle to sit in the groove. It's a piece of white oak. There's a reason for that.

Making this piece was especially difficult. Besides formfitting it to the slot, I had to slowly shave it down with a razor until it was the proper height. Here's where the magic comes in. The scrap next to the piece is oak as well. It has been treated with Iron (III) Acetate. This creates Iron (III) Tannate when applied to the oak which contains high concentration of Tannic Acid. It's called ebonizing This works on other woods too but only ones with a high level of tannic acid. I'll do that to the saddle.

The next step was fixing that crack in the neck. Know that would be a high stress region, I consulted my dad to see was he thought. I suggested putting wood glue or epoxy on one side and using a vacuum to pull the glue through. My dad just suggested using super glue since it would wick into the crack. I took his advice. First step is to tape off the area so that I won't get unnecessary glue on the neck.

I laid the guitar down on two stacks of blocks (one under the head, the other under the soundboard) with a towel to prevent scratching. (that streak is just glare)

I used this.

Then I just put some books to keep the neck crack shut while it dried.

I still have to drill holes in the bridge (and sound board too? maybe?), make pegs, and string it. I didn't include this, but I already tightened the tuning pegs for more precise tuning. I'm up in the air about refinishing this, but if I choose to, this project could get a lot more interesting. I'm interested in carving the neck and head with Celtic knots. We will see what happens over the next month.

Long Curly Ha... Maple?

So I was walking down the alley when I saw this log. I asked my neighbors and they were fine with me taking it. This is it cut and dried.

It'll make nice knice handles.