Who Am I?

I know that this isn't what I usely post, but this past week has been a troubling time, so please bear with me.

I recently saw a post on a site called iwastesomuchtime.com. I don't have the link to it, but every so often, some one will post something educational and entertaining. I saw one that was explaining the effects of alcohol and caffiene on the body. I knew some of it, but one thing that struck me was the idea that alcohol makes one more creative. I didn't think of this much until I had writers block the other day.

I sat down to write and nothing came. I was shocked. I had a million creative ideas the past few nights and I wanted to get them collected together into a story or song or something. I had no clue what I was doing. I am so used to being able to communicate any emotion I thought of or express any idea I had. This was weird. That night, though I had more brilliant ideas, again all jumbled up in no particular order. It's always the same lately.

Everynight I know that it's going to be a bad night, I pick up my notebook. By bad night, I mean emotional one. It can be me thinking about my ex-girlfriend who left me in January (I know get over her already). Then I can end up on rant at the wall at 2 AM about how my parents don't respect my choice not to go to college or that they don't understand why I like the music I do. And always, these things haven't happened. I haven't told my parents about my choice of technical school and since about eight months ago, my parents have almost stopped bugging me about my music. But somehow, in my mind, I see these arguements I could have. I imagine conversations I might hold or people I might see; jobs I might have; people who might come back into my life, but none of this ever happens outside my own head.

Am I lacking gumption? Do I need to get up and slay a dragon; confront my demons? Why am I so much more emotional at night? I haven't felt this way in months. I have a history of ups and downs, but I thought the downs where gone. They're not.

I did a little research. I noticed whenever it got late, I got both more moody and more creative. I started out looking for information on the creativity spurt. I found out that as our brains get towards sleep in our circadian cycle, our frontal cortex begins turning off or at least deactivating certain regions. Since every idea and sensory input goes through the frontal cortex, it acts as a sort of filter, allowing certain, pertinent inormation through and sorting out extra details. This is why most people can become focused on a task or, inversely why some people have trouble focusing. Some people also possess amazing concentration due to this function, being able to block out almost all input to focus on internal problem solving.

This all made sense since the article mentioned alcohol as a way to recreate these symptoms and I'd heard it said (though I thought it was a wive's tale) that you can get the same affect of two drinks from not sleeping for twenty-four hours. Here is where things get hairy. I'm not normally extremely emotional. I'm rather stoic, self-confident, and calm, but as soon as I can't sleep, I'm a changed person; I no longer don't think about my ex; I'm not confident; I don't think much of my abilities and talents; I'm nothing.

This is not the first time I've felt like this; before and after Freshman year of high school, I was severely depressed by myself. I didn't hear voices, but it seemed like I verbally abused myself. I felt like s*** and the worst part was the only one making me feel that way was me. I got out of that rut just in time or else I might not be typing this today (another story, another time). Now, seeing these signs for the fourth time (had a bad relapse this past school year), I know that I have to take my life back. But now I have a few questions.

My first is, who am I? Am I that self-confident SOB senior who walks the halls telling freshmen to get out of the way, or am I that scared-as-s*** teen who can't stop thinking about after school? Am I that heart-breaking, cocky flirt, or am I the guy crying into his pillow at night missing his girlfriend. I am that A-student with great student-teacher relationships, or am I that kid who's worried that he won't make it in the real world? Who am I?

Next question: Is there a way to have the advantages of both personalities (if I could call them that)? Maybe...

If I were to maintain my "normal" boring self, I could simply go about my day and make sure to be in bed by ten since most episodes of self-loathing, angst, regret, etcetera happen after then (Midnight and later, it's almost guaranteed) and just deal with my unexciting self. I don't like that option. I don't remeber being like a year ago or even two...maybe... Have I changed over the summer? If so why? Trauma from my frustrating relationship (not going to say, but it wasn't pretty)? Horomones? Growing up? Have I buried these thoughts subconsciously with my "brain filter" to protect myself only to have them come out again when my filter is turning down? Is my circadian rhythm the answer to my problems.

All other thoughts aside, if it's my circadian rhythm, then what am I going to do? I've read (again on the internet, ikr) that teen circadian rhythms are actuall offset by an hour to four hours! No wonder I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.

Most of what I've heard is just wait. This advice seems like being told to calm down when the house is burning down around you. Sometimes it's not an option. It all still doesn't answer the question I still have; who am I? It seems I'm not alone. I guess this is what people call an identity crisis. I like different things about different parts of me, but I don't know if I can deal with these two opposite side of me. Am I a coin with two sides, lots of width, and almost no depth? I still can't answer these questions. Maybe I never will.

Thank you for spending some time in my head and reading this. I hope this all changes in a few years or I learn to deal with it. Below are some links to interesting sights you might want to read. Some are sources, some are just interesting.

Save these links:
http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/07/29/how-the-brain-filters-out-noise-to-stay-focused-on-task/57732.html
http://www.creativesomething.net/post/54997033332/why-youre-more-creative-at-night-and-how-to-reproduce
http://kidshealth.org/teen/cancer_center/q_a/bad_mood.html#
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLz7O9Lf6k